you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Randomize
