Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
