put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
