You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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