Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
