The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
