you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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