I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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