if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
