I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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