just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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