be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
