god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
