I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
