I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
