i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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