Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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