i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
