I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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