She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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