Ketchup is God's man juice
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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