ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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