So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
