Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
