Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
