I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
