I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
