and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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