Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
