he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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