I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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