i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
