I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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