my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
