I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
