im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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