you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
