Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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