I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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