you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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