My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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