ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
