Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
