I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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