Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
