My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
