Your mouth is God's brothel.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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