I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize