its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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