Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
