somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
