After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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