I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
