You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
