I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love having hate sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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