just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
