no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
