it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want to make out with him forever
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
