Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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