I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
