Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
