Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
